The Cyst That Wasn't

Well, it has been too long since my February post. A lot has happened. I did go into surgery back on May 3rd to drain the cyst. Once they got in there they found that it was not a cyst after all. It was a tumor. The doctors biopsied it and closed me up. When I came to, it was obvious to me that something was wrong. My doc was standing in front of me and she was not looking very happy. I knew this meant that things were as I had dreaded and I had a tumor.  I just said frankly "lets bring it on!" meaning that I knew there would be more surgery. They then rolled me to the Intensive Care Unit.

When I got to the Intensive Care Unit, I realized that my right hand was having motor issues. Later when I was allowed to get out of bed we noticed that my right foot wanted to go to the right and I was not able to walk well. I was scared that it would be permanent. To my amazement I quickly got better, with the exception of my neck. It took a couple of months to heal.

Due to having to wait, the next surgery did not happen until August 15th. When I was admitted to the hospital, they told us that I would be kept under for 24 hrs. I woke up almost 3 days later to find that I was paralyzed in both legs and my right arm! Little by little, I began to wiggle my fingers and twist my wrist on my right arm and hand. I began to put pressure on my legs and found that they were weak and I could not stand on my own. They had to use a lift system that  was attached to the ceiling to move me in and out of bed.

The room I was in was quite large as far as most hospital rooms go. It came to be known as the penthouse suite as it was equipped with a refrigerator and microwave that were tucked hidden inside a cherry wood cabinet. To the left of my bed was a full sized couch and to my right was a table with 4 chairs. The right side wall was all windows from one end to the other. From my bed I overlooked the Ross Island bridge and Mount Hood. It was an amazing view. It was the topic of most visitors. At night was my favorite time to look at the view of te city lights and the enormous thunderstorms that we had the pleasure of viewing.


The food was what I worried about. You hear people condemn hospital food all of the time. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was able to order anything that was on the menu. It was just as shocking to find that I was supposed to eat a lot of food, I mean a lot! I was always worried that I was ordering too much but then they came and said I was not eating enough and needed to increase the protein.

For breakfast I would eat an omelet with vegies and cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, toast, milk and juice. They also had this plate called an Artisan Fruit and Cheese Plate. It was so mouthwatering good! I would never have thought that cheese and fruit go good together. I would snack on it with my visitors throughout the day. I later would have bacon strips added to breakfast due to having a salt deficiency.

Lunch consisted of what they called pot roast. I soon discovered that it was actually a very tender, perfectly seasoned, melt in your mouth steak! Since I was a one armed bandit, I would pick it up and just bite off a piece. I savored every ounce of it. I would have some brown rice and a double order of spinach as my side dishes and cheese cake for desert.

Dinner came a lighter meal of Salmon, double order of spinach and brown rice.

They still said I was not eating enough! I simply told them that I couldn't eat anything more. However, I noticed that the meat and spinach portions grew in size. To my amazement I lost 30 lbs in the 3 weeks that I was there.

While I was still in the hospital, the nurse had put up a sign that said "no free water". Why in the world would they say that we had to pay for water? I was confused, as were my guests. So, I asked why I and my guests were no longer allowed water? The nurse laughed and said that it just meant that I was no longer allowed plain water. I had to drink liquids that had salt in them and that the nurses could no longer fill my water jug with water. My sodium had dropped so much that rather than give me salt pills, they had me drink Gatorade and eat bacon! lol.

Once  it was no longer medically beneficial for me to be at the hospital they sent me to a convalescent center to learn to walk and use my hands better. I was there for about 6 weeks. Then I was sent home.

Once home the struggle truly began for me.  The reality that I was no longer me.

My Heart, My Smile

My heart, My smile

Can they see my heart through my smile?

The face changes over time, the smile remains the same

The heart gets damaged and yet remains the same. 

The body has become damaged, yet the smile remains the same

Do they truly see me through all the pain?

My heart remains the same.

Would they notice if my smile were to fade?

Would they think me weak should my heart change?

My heart, my smile

Can they continue through the days of pain unchanged?

If my heart, my smile disappeared today, 

I ask again would they notice the pain?

Alas, the body remains damaged and the power begins to fade

Do they still see my heart, my smile?

As it fades with each passing day.

My heart, my smile all that still remains.

2011 is coming to an end. Put this as your status if you met someone amazing this year ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

2011 is coming to an end. Put this as your status if you met someone amazing this year ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ This was posted to my Facebook account today. It got me to deeply think about the past year and how I made it through it.

I had become a very different person from the one that I had set out to be. I forgot about all of my hopes and dreams. I let others decide what I was going to do, act, be, etc.. I lost my passion for life. I just merely existed.

As most people know, I have been to hell and back a few times over the past 10 years and especially the last year and a half. My world turned upside down and I didn't think that I had anything more to give. I was ready to run as far away from anyone and anything that I ever knew or worse. 

It was then that I realized that I did not remember who I was. I saw a stranger looking back at me. Empty eye's that had lost all recognition of joy and meaning. I had lost everyone, including myself. 

I wondered where did that smile that I once cherished go? Where did my magical world of words and rhyme drift off to? I used to have an imagination and now it seemed lost in my own faceless reflection. Writing, music and photography were my passions and then in the mirror I saw that they were gone, as well.

One night an acquaintance that I had met through work said something that really made me think. He said, "If you continue staring at 4 walls and don't get out and do something, You will die! Get your ass out of that house and join us!"

That acquaintance was Jedediah "Diamond" Aaker. Who is now one of my dearest friends. I told Jed some time later, unbeknownst to him, that he saved my life that night. I was in a real bad place and didn't think that I could pick up the pieces and move on. But, Jed knew different and he introduced me to one person after another, as well as, to new places and experiences. He helped me realize that I was not alone and that I was worth something. I believe that the diamond fits him well. His heart is a precious stone that is undervalued until it becomes polished and shines. 

The friends that I have had such a pleasure of meeting this year, have become like a family to me. They have been right by my side throughout my whole ordeal with my tumor. Showing me how perfect strangers can open their hearts and at times their wallets, to make sure that I made it. Making me realize that if a perfect stranger can open their heart to me, then there must be a me inside somewhere that was worth saving.

I have been and am still on a journey to find out who I am and if the amount of love that I have received this year from my friends is any indication of what the next year will bring, then bring it on 2012!! What do you have in store for me?