I guess that I have had a lot of practice at life's little game of starting over and so even though I did not know the strength that was within me, I have been through the pain before, over and over. Just when I feel like the world has caved in I don't know where it comes from but I pick up and start again. When I feel like I am about to burst, I turn to my friends and they have helped to give me strength. I used to dance, sing and enjoy what life has to offer. I forgot how to do all that somewhere along the way.
My health has suffered for that and now it will be a bigger struggle to reverse the damage that I have done. But, I know that the people who truly care, will show themselves to be there every step of the way, to help get me back to , well.... ME. I don't know for sure who that is anymore but that is the journey that I have to take and I hope that my friends will take the ride with me and still be there all the way.
I have learned that life is an endless journey with so many paths that are too often untraveled and I am simply tired of taking the safe path and missing all of the things that life's energy can promise. I have lived my life being afraid of the next step and that hasn't turned out very well for me or a large majority of the people that I have known. If you have checked my blog you know that I have emerged with a new sense of what I want my life to be about and hope that everyone will join me in living, loving and being. To me this has meant to embrace the joys of life, learn to love life, and to simply find out who you are and be life. Don't trap all of those feelings inside, get them out there before the demon destroys you and you wake up and find out that you have not lived life at all. He and I have had a close personal relationship for a very long time and I simply had to chose to leave all that anger, pity, jealousy, lies, fear and pain, etc. behind and say let me live and let you be only a very distant memory.
So, be there for those that start to falter, pick them back up and never bring them down with you. You deserve to Live, Love and BE!
Tina McKinney
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Reflections of the Past, Insight to my Future
I have often wondered what I would have become if I had followed different paths in life and at the forks in the roads what would have happened if I had ventured down the uncharted paths?
I have realized that there is never a right or wrong path to travel. Eventually one path will lead to another and another and so forth. We all make different choices and then wonder what if? But, if you are always wondering about the what if's in the world, what are the what is' that you are missing in front of you. If that makes any sense what so ever!
I have had to start down the unknown path and since it is the unknown path, I don't know where it is taking me. I just know that though it may be hard to take the steps, I am taking them anyway. I am terrified and excited all at once. I have spent my life playing everything safe and living the way that others have expected. I am now making an effort to "roll with the flow" so to speak. I am trying new things and meeting new people. Listening to different kinds of music and experiencing the variety of life that has been passing me by.
I remember a time when I would venture out of my comfort zone and live life. It seems so long ago. I don't look at this time in my life as forgetting who I am but, finding out who I am. I seem to have forgotten or lost myself somewhere along the way. I have learned that I need to stop being scared and venture out into the world and see what is out there.
I know that it won't all be good but I hope that I will learn from the experiences and have fun while doing it. The resent events in my life have shown me that life is to short to watch it from the side lines. I intend to get out and be a part of it and not a mural on the wall that gets glanced at and then forgotten. People will remember that I lived life, That I loved life and that I was life.
Live, Love and BE!
I have realized that there is never a right or wrong path to travel. Eventually one path will lead to another and another and so forth. We all make different choices and then wonder what if? But, if you are always wondering about the what if's in the world, what are the what is' that you are missing in front of you. If that makes any sense what so ever!
I have had to start down the unknown path and since it is the unknown path, I don't know where it is taking me. I just know that though it may be hard to take the steps, I am taking them anyway. I am terrified and excited all at once. I have spent my life playing everything safe and living the way that others have expected. I am now making an effort to "roll with the flow" so to speak. I am trying new things and meeting new people. Listening to different kinds of music and experiencing the variety of life that has been passing me by.
I remember a time when I would venture out of my comfort zone and live life. It seems so long ago. I don't look at this time in my life as forgetting who I am but, finding out who I am. I seem to have forgotten or lost myself somewhere along the way. I have learned that I need to stop being scared and venture out into the world and see what is out there.
I know that it won't all be good but I hope that I will learn from the experiences and have fun while doing it. The resent events in my life have shown me that life is to short to watch it from the side lines. I intend to get out and be a part of it and not a mural on the wall that gets glanced at and then forgotten. People will remember that I lived life, That I loved life and that I was life.
Live, Love and BE!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Laura's 40th Birthday Barfly Bus Bash!
We set out to have a great time last night and celebrate a special friends 40th birthday. We loaded a bus with BarFly Crew and a bunch of rowdy school bus drivers. I said to myself, Self, what an odd assortment of people that you have assembled! Oh, but I knew that the combination could only lead to a rockin' good time! I knew that when you combined a bunch of homebody people that don't get to get out much and combine them with the fun loving crew at BarFly, you couldn't help but have a great time.
Everyone got to meet at least one person that they had not met before. Some left with someone new and others re-sparked a long lived love. There was a lot of singing and dancing going on in the bars, on the bus and in the streets of Portland. We made a special stop for the birthday girl at Portland's famed Voodoo Doughnuts. If you have never Voodooed then you are missing the best and weirdest doughnuts in the world!
I set out to try and get drunk for the first time in my life and though I drank and drank some more, we did not succeed. I found that I just get to a point to where I can't fit anymore in. So, that experiment was a failure! But, I had a great time and can have fun without drinking to get drunk. I am not saying that I will never get drunk. Because none of us know the future. But, last night it was just not in the cards. I usually only have a few drinks when I am out with my friends and I can live with that.
Live, Love and Be!
Everyone got to meet at least one person that they had not met before. Some left with someone new and others re-sparked a long lived love. There was a lot of singing and dancing going on in the bars, on the bus and in the streets of Portland. We made a special stop for the birthday girl at Portland's famed Voodoo Doughnuts. If you have never Voodooed then you are missing the best and weirdest doughnuts in the world!
I set out to try and get drunk for the first time in my life and though I drank and drank some more, we did not succeed. I found that I just get to a point to where I can't fit anymore in. So, that experiment was a failure! But, I had a great time and can have fun without drinking to get drunk. I am not saying that I will never get drunk. Because none of us know the future. But, last night it was just not in the cards. I usually only have a few drinks when I am out with my friends and I can live with that.
Live, Love and Be!
Monday, January 17, 2011
My New Friends
Many of you have noticed that I have acquired a wide variety of new friends and have reconnected with many of my old friends. Some have asked "why".
I have pondered this very question. I have come to the realization that those friends that I have made, both old and new, have stuck by me through my most difficult of times. Everyone knows that my life is a mess! However, these friends have stood by me through it all. My cornucopia of friends that surrounds me, like the girl in the plastic bubble, have protected me, never judged me, and have accepted me, well for just being me!
My newest friends, that I refer to as my "Crazy BarFly friends", are never negative, always supportive and like me, have dreams of success.
Each one of us may have different dreams but, we all support one another freely. I don't feel afraid to let my fears be known with them. I don't have to say just the right thing. I can just be me! I love the spirit that they bring with them when they walk into a room or onto a bus. LOL. Each of them are their own person and they just plain love one another. When you are with them they do not prejudge or crucify you. They listen, even when nothing you say makes sense. Which for me, happens a lot! As many of you know I can tend to ramble about nothing and yet about everything.
So, the long or short of it is that my friends, new or old, give me the courage to persevere and get out of bed everyday, to explore new things and to accept everyone for who they are, as they have accepted me into their lives.
I will close with my new motto:
Live, Love and Be!
Meaning: Live Life, Love Life, Be yourself!
I have pondered this very question. I have come to the realization that those friends that I have made, both old and new, have stuck by me through my most difficult of times. Everyone knows that my life is a mess! However, these friends have stood by me through it all. My cornucopia of friends that surrounds me, like the girl in the plastic bubble, have protected me, never judged me, and have accepted me, well for just being me!
My newest friends, that I refer to as my "Crazy BarFly friends", are never negative, always supportive and like me, have dreams of success.
Each one of us may have different dreams but, we all support one another freely. I don't feel afraid to let my fears be known with them. I don't have to say just the right thing. I can just be me! I love the spirit that they bring with them when they walk into a room or onto a bus. LOL. Each of them are their own person and they just plain love one another. When you are with them they do not prejudge or crucify you. They listen, even when nothing you say makes sense. Which for me, happens a lot! As many of you know I can tend to ramble about nothing and yet about everything.
So, the long or short of it is that my friends, new or old, give me the courage to persevere and get out of bed everyday, to explore new things and to accept everyone for who they are, as they have accepted me into their lives.
I will close with my new motto:
Live, Love and Be!
Meaning: Live Life, Love Life, Be yourself!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Live Life and Be!
Live Life and Be!
Be spontaneous and don't let fear keep you from exploring the world! I used to live by this motto and somewhere along the line I got lost and found fear. I have resolved that life is too short to live it in fear of the unknown. I myself am going to conquer my fears and learn to live again! NO MORE FEAR, BE SPONTANEOUS, AND JUST BE! ( FOR THOSE WHO ARE ASKING THEMSELVES WHAT DOES "JUST BE" MEAN, be yourself and be who you want to be, if you don't know what that is then get out there and figure out what it means to you.)
Life is passes to quickly to be negative and wonder what the rest of the world is like. Find out and make your world everything that you want it to be. Stop judging and start living. As most of you know, the last year of my life has been a living hell, to put it bluntly! Like the roller coaster with it's twists and turns, I have been bounced all over the rails. It took observing some of my new friends to realize that I can't continue to live a negative life. I have judged others and been judged. Negativity will eat up your soul and leave you empty inside. I spend a lot of days putting on a good face for others and spend my nights in surrounded by four walls, shedding an ocean of tears.
I have had a lot of time to think about life and I am tired of not "being" and am vowing to "BE". I don't know where my journey will take me and I am sure that the ride won't be smooth. Some of you will welcome the change and others, well... But, I vow to do my best to BE! This may only make sense to me but, that is all that matters in this crazy messed up world.
Do something that you never thought you could do!
LIVE LIFE, BE SPONTANEOUS AND JUST BE!
Life is passes to quickly to be negative and wonder what the rest of the world is like. Find out and make your world everything that you want it to be. Stop judging and start living. As most of you know, the last year of my life has been a living hell, to put it bluntly! Like the roller coaster with it's twists and turns, I have been bounced all over the rails. It took observing some of my new friends to realize that I can't continue to live a negative life. I have judged others and been judged. Negativity will eat up your soul and leave you empty inside. I spend a lot of days putting on a good face for others and spend my nights in surrounded by four walls, shedding an ocean of tears.
I have had a lot of time to think about life and I am tired of not "being" and am vowing to "BE". I don't know where my journey will take me and I am sure that the ride won't be smooth. Some of you will welcome the change and others, well... But, I vow to do my best to BE! This may only make sense to me but, that is all that matters in this crazy messed up world.
Do something that you never thought you could do!
LIVE LIFE, BE SPONTANEOUS AND JUST BE!
Bar flying
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